She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
