if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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