when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize