I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
