No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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