Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
