So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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