isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
