News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize