I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
