I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
