i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
