I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Randomize
