Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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