I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i love accidental penises.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
