Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
