I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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