Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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