I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
