how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
