no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
