Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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