I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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