You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
