I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize