Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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