WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
