Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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