it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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