I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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