Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
