It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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