Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
