Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
