walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize