More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize