So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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