Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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