I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
