Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we're making bets on your personal life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
