Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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