sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
