It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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