Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
