Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
