I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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