my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
