my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
