Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
