The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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