You're my little dorito
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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