Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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