Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
