you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
