He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
handjob tips. give me some.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
