I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
