mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
