There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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