Her vagina should come with caution tape.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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